On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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