Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
