She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
