I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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