I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
