We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
