I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
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i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
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Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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