I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
