apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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