I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize