Pappa wants mamma naked
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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