Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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