i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
