remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
