Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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