a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
