OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
