i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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