the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
