just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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