Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Randomize
