It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
