This gyro tastes like lonliness
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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