It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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