The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
