I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
