While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
