OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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