when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
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She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
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Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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