Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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