He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
