is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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