I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
