she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
