I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
