fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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