Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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