I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
