I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
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