i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
