my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
