I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
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I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
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You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
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