You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
