why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
