hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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