Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
