gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
