I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
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