also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
