Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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