dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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