Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
