im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
