the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
