the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
