Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
