My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
