Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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