i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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